Closure.. is it needed?

Dear Diary,

Is business really unfinished or do we refuse to let it go? Is closure a real thing that’s needed? I used to think so but now I wonder if closure can be used as an excuse to reopen. Is that what happened with Josh and me? I thought in my head it would be ok to “flirt” because it was giving me a sense of closure I needed. Or did I really just need to take it to the next level to see the huge mistake, therefore giving myself closure?

I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t “close things up.” It only closes it slightly, then creaks back open. It becomes that door that you have to throw your body into just to make it shut. Just as you turn your back and walk away you hear the creak again. You tell yourself, just ignore it, don’t turn back around. You know though that you eventually will. Because it drives you crazy.

It consumes you. Why does it keep opening back up? Why can’t you just get it to stay shut? Does it need to be examined further? Anyway… enough with the metaphors, you get what I’m saying. Josh was the creaky door. The one that wouldn’t just shut. There was an opening and it needed to be investigated. That’s exactly what I did.

Does closure actually work with some people? I really don’t know. Ultimately, what I’ve learned is…. it really has nothing to do with the other person. They can say all of the right things and wish you well truly but they can still nag at you. That’s because you’re not finished. I wasn’t finished… not with him. If I were, seeing him wouldn’t have had the effect on me that it did. I know that. That doesn’t change what’s happened though. It doesn't change the fact that I’m here and not with Ryan. I guess this is the work, as they say. The work on myself first. It’s hard but it’s the closure I need with me.

Love, Elle