Day 2? (who knows time is weird here)

Dear Diary,

Told ya this would get deep fast! So this song came on and it felt like it spoke to my soul. Has someone been listening to my thoughts? I’ve been reflecting a lot on why I did what I did to Ryan. I shared with Gwen what was going on but I haven’t written it down to you yet. Yes, you know I love him. Yes we have had a lovely relationship and marriage.

Things shifted though once he started working on his restaurant. “Our” project became “his”. Which is fine but I guess I didn’t expect that? I was so used to us always building things together that when it didn’t feel like that anymore I became lost. Why do I have such a problem with it? I have my books… that’s my thing, not Ryans and he has no issues with it.

A lot was left unspoken I see now. I should have just articulated this sooner to him instead of letting resentment build. Resentments a funny thing huh? It creeps in and if it’s not addressed it snowballs. Finally the snowball tramples over the person you have resentment towards and you’re the only one left standing.

Cue Josh! He came to me at the perfect time. It’s like he got an alert on his phone that said, “Ryan’s down, Elle’s vulnerable, come on in!!!” Ugh, if only I talked to Ryan sooner, this could have all been avoided. I could’ve spoken to him about how my feelings were hurt because that’s the real root of the problem right? Hurt. Hurt turns to anger when it’s not expressed properly. Being hurt is incredibly scary and uncomfortable and rather than shy away from it, it should be tackled head first.

This is really enlightening and I wish I could talk to Ryan about it, but I can’t. This Ryan has no clue about any of this. I’d sound like a crazy person if I told him. No .. no I’m doing the right thing by trying to distance myself from him.

I am doing the right thing, right?

Love, Elle