Day 30..maybe?

I’m realizing something. It seems I’ve held back. In what way, you may be asking. What I mean is, I’ve held back my inner thoughts. I’ve been afraid to express my feelings and my fantasies, in fear of judgment. Or maybe it was because I knew it would happen anyways and I didn’t want it to stop? The point is I didn’t vocalize things, because of fear. Why is fear so profound in our decisions? What are we afraid of exactly? If I had talked to Ryan or even my best friend, Gwen maybe this could have all been avoided. I could have talked to someone impartial as well, a professional maybe? But I didn’t. I thought I could just push through, throw my feelings over my shoulder and continue. What kind of life is that? Ask yourself this Elle…what happened when you told Gwen? Did she think something was wrong with you? Was she disgusted by you? No, she was there. She listened. She understood and most importantly she didn’t judge.

I don’t know Diary, maybe the message of this entry is to ask for help. To share all of the parts of yourself, especially the scary parts. If I never accept my thoughts and speak them out then they stay hidden, they stay secretive. What’s the saying, you’re only as sick as your secrets? That hits home. So… time to get healthy, in every way possible. Time to flush out my mind and body and for once deal with the thoughts consuming me. Time to accept Elle, flaws, quirks and all.

-TTYL, Elle (member when we you used to write this in school haha. Im bringing it back!)