Life is not funny.

Hi again Diary,

I’m going to warn you right now; I’m not in the best mood. So if I lash out on you please don’t take it personally. I’m in that in between self loathing/sadness/rage phase right now. I actually had a moment where I went to text Ryan about something funny that happened today when I remembered … he doesn’t know who you are Elle! The person that would look at me with furrowed brows while trying to simultaneously hold back from laughing doesn’t know me. I can imagine him trying to keep a straight face but his exposed dimple would ultimately give his humor inside away. Gosh, I miss him. I miss us. I wish I could go back!!!

See.. here’s where the spiral begins. I can’t go back, I can only go forward. So, what am I going to do? Am I going to sit here and reminisce about a life that I may never get back or am I going to actually create a new one that I love even more?

First issue though… Josh. How do I get rid of him? I know that sounds mean but I 100% regret everything that happened. I should have left the past in the past and instead focused on my present. It was a momentary lapse in judgment. Mistaking a dream life for my real one. I blended fantasy into reality before I even realized what was happening. The sad thing is I can’t even tell Ryan I’m sorry because he’d be like…ok stalker whatever you say.

….pause…pause…pause…. yes diary that’s me stewing. I took a moment away from writing to try getting my anger out. I tried dancing but the way my body was moving was pissing me off. I tried punching my pillow but honestly that wasn’t satisfying enough. I walked into the pantry and ate some chocolate, which did help but only momentarily.

I feel itchy. Like I want to crawl out of my skin. I need to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Actually, I do need to get some Christmas gifts so maybe I’ll head to the Christmas Market for awhile.

I’ll let you know if anything monumental happens there. Wish me luck!

Bah Humbug makes so much sense to me now.

Love ya, Elle